recent post

This was recently posted on my "myspace" blog.... yes, I have a myspace.



So I've been neglecting this myspace thing for a while now. There was a time (in Iceland) that I would check it on a daily basis. It's not so much that I'm too busy to check up on old friends... wait that in itself sounds bad. I don't want it to sound like I don't care, (although I am tired of all the dumb bulletins.) but trust me I do. I want to hear every detail about what is going on in peoples lives. But I'm going to go on a limb and say that everyone else's lives are as uneventful as my own(or thinks so at least), which is the reason for my absence. I'm sure this is just an assumption, and a wrong one at that. I bet there are even things worth telling in my own, half way pathetic, boring life. Maybe it isn't as bad as I make it sound, maybe I'm just stuck in a rut/junction (if you can have a rut/junction, I really don't know what to call it, or what a rut/junction would be). With that being said, let me lay out the last few months of my life...

Last August I finally got back from Iceland. If you ever thought Iceland would be a cool place to go... save your money, it's not. If you want to see it, look at a picture. Sure there is a night life (expensive as it is), and sure there are some interesting sites. But guess what? The night life can be seen anywhere, and a picture is worth a thousand words, or in this case it'll save you several thousand dollars, as Iceland is very expensive. On my return I had a hard time adjusting to being around people. It was hard adjusting originally to spending so much time alone, to the point of thinking I should pull a Tom Hanks and get a ball of some-kind to talk to. Of course, as with anything, you get used to it, and finally coming home found the traffic (foot and vehicle) overwhelming to say the least. I avoided shopping for several weeks to stay clear of the crowd. I had to be thoroughly intoxicated in order to go to the annual Pig Fest in Wittlich. I'm happy to say that over the last few months though, I finally feel reintegrated into a society with people in it.
After several weeks off from my "deployment" I finally returned back to work. Things didn't change really. I can't say I missed it. I was quickly moved from one section to another where I am feeling overwhelmed. I don't really know what I'm doing, although I'm expected to, or at least I feel that way. A semi-wise man once said to me, "Fake it till you make it." Not a bad motto really... it doesn't work all the time... mostly when dealing with people who always know when you are B.S.ing... but still not bad, as long as you can handle constant berating. In the change of job responsibility comes a change of work location of course... right near the head office. This is good and bad of course. I always am one of the first to know what's going on... but I'm also right there to catch "the wrath". Enough said about that.
I managed to slice my finger real well, leaving me, a month later, with a nice big scar and limited use (though it does seem to be getting better). The real story behind the injury is fairly retarded, and doesn't show me in a good light at all, and I haven't made up a good enough cover story yet, so I'm disinclined to give a "how" to the damage. I will say that the inch long laceration over my knuckle needed 9 stitches (which didn't hold because the medical technician who did the work turned out to not be a medical technician after all, but a cook at the chow hall work as a med tech) and immobilized most of my hand for... well up until now really. I will have a scar now, and probably some pain, for the rest of my life to remind me to not do stupid things.
With all the downtime I had in Iceland, it gave me plenty of time to do some thinking. This in itself is a great thing. Unfortunately, I don't recommend doing this too much... you may drive yourself insane. With all the thinking done, you'd think I'd have a bit more sense of direction, or plan for... well, for everything. Maybe it's just me, but I am noway better off than I was before. In fact, I think i just emphasized that I have NO idea what I'm going to do. This encompasses everything. I have no idea what to do about my military future (stay in, get out, run away) or personal life. With the way this Air Force is going, it would seem getting out would be the best course of action... especially when talking to the people who have been in a while. Then you get a feeling of really how bad it is, and when they are talking about how much they hate it... well, it's a bit discouraging. Ok, I'm not going to lie, it's very discouraging. Everyone is going to punch their card and get the hell out... so why shouldn't I do they same? Indecisiveness, that's why. Maybe my head will be more clear after being home for a few weeks. Which I'm happy to say happens in less than a month! Thank God.
I wonder how/why I ended up where I'm at in life. Things must have played out like this for a reason right? Met some great people? Well of course, but the more I meet, the more I have to say goodbye to, and then replace them with new people, who in turn I say goodbye too. I suppose I've seen some of the world now that I wouldn't have otherwise... meh... but maybe I'm taking that for granted. I also feel I've left so much behind. Family that I can't be there for when I feel they need me. Friends who I feel I've abandoned, or at least I feel that they feel I abandoned them. It's impossible to fill in the void that not having the close family and friends near by left me with. Especially with how often we are moved around. This is a good career (minus the gayness of the Air Force) and it is extremely needed at this time of war (whether I agree with the war or not is moot). But is it worth giving up the other things in life I want? Well, that's where I stand. Confused, and helpless... or at least helpless for a couple more years where I can decide to get out or not.
I realize this is long and unorganized... but sometimes one needs to get things out and written down, or at least that's what people say. It doesn't make me feel better, that much I do know.